Prom Dating Answers

Prom Wrap-Up!

Vervegirls everywhere listen up. It’s been an awesome pleasure getting to know you all hearing about your amazing prom and dating adventures through our interactive chats! You will never forget your prom night so make it count. I can still remember the sheer excitement of picking out our dresses, getting our hair done and most of all the excitement of knowing you were going with that one special person or a large entourage of your bestest friends! The day after prom marks the beginning of a whole new level of life..college, university, travelling etc. Look it straight in the eye and be ready to take it on. There will be ups and downs but I guarantee you these upcoming years will be the most creative, self-discovering, inspiring and fast paced of your life. Enjoy them, work hard, study hard but NEVER forget to play hard too! Best of luck to all of you!

QUESTION:
Hey Jill! My friend is going to the prom with the guy that I really like. Even though I know he doesn’t like me, (I told him how I felt) we’re still friends and I can’t help but feel a little jealous. What makes it worse is that my friend ditched her own friends and knew that I liked him and asked him anyways. What should I do? I know it will be awkward to have to deal with them sitting together while I am with my other friends at a different table.

ANSWER:
Ouch. You definitely need to talk this over with your friend. In fact, I’m a little curious as to whether or not she was really acting like a friend in the first place when she asked the guy to the prom knowing fully well that you had liked him. I mean everyone has the right to be happy but it would have lessened the blow for you if she at least talked to you about her feelings and intentions for this guy beforehand. Okay, so we can’t cry over spilt milk so your next move is to accept the reality. He’s going with your friend, you and him are still friends and it looks as though you’ve got to start getting over your romantic feelings for him. I know it’s going to be difficult, and her move of ditching you guys at the prom table doesn’t make it any easier, but now you’ve even got to look and feel more confident and fabulous than ever on that night! Don’t make ’em steal your shine because guess what: you never know who YOU might meet on that special night either! I know it’s hard when you feel you’ve lost the one you want to a friend…I’ve worn that hat before. Really there is no miracle advice to get over how you feel. It just takes time and you really really have to be able to accept the reality that they are happy with someone else. Once you can get over that hurdle the rest usually comes much easier. Have an amazing time and don’t forget to send us pictures!

Fabulously yours,
JI!!

QUESTION:
Hi Jill. I’m really excited about the prom but frankly I’m also a bit nervous. My boyfriend seems to think I need to shed a few pounds before the big day. It’s really hurts ’cause he met me the way I am… a bigger girl well about a size 14 I guess who loves to play sports. All of a sudden now that we’ve got our formal coming up it’s like he wants me to change. He’s kinda like the food police when we go out and recently we went to the mall, I saw this really cool dress and his first comment was like, “you might want to stick with Black or a darker colour.” I know he didn’t mention my weight in that very second but I know that’s what he was talking about. What do I do, Jill? How can I shed a few safe pounds before the prom ’cause of course I want it to be a great night and I want us to take the best pictures? -Rebecca

ANSWER:
Rebecca Rebecca Rebecca…well my friend let me first tell you this: if you want to have the best pictures at prom it appears to me that, unless your boyfriend changes his attitude, your best pictures won’t include him! Besides having the right to wear any colour that makes you happy on your big night, are you aware that size 14 is actually the average size of North American women? Because of the images we see in magazines and most television shows, this tricks us into thinking that something is wrong with us if we’ve got a bigger waste line (I’m a proud 14/16 myself!). Once you are eating a healthy diet (which includes treats), enjoying fun exercise (which you are clearly doing) and love the skin you are in you are purrrrfect just the way you are. You need to remind him that he doesn’t have the right to try to change you and that if anything he should be supporting you and letting you make the decisions about whether or not you want to change your self image. Some people honestly think they are trying to “help” when they make mean comments or hint to us having to trim down. It’s then up to us to say thanks but no thanks. So that’s my key advice…have a heart to heart with him, let him know how his comments and suggestions make you feel and then explain to him that you are healthy and happy just the way you are. If he doesn’t get the picture and continues to nag you, then I suggest shedding him! Best of luck and may your uber fab night rock! 

QUESTION:
Jill, my boyfriend of 3 weeks and I are going to prom and I’d like to think of myself as an independent woman. I know I might be young but I really believe in splitting things down the middle. Most of my friends think I’m crazy and laugh at me for some of my feminist ideas..lol but I want to pay my own way for prom and my boyfriend is a bit upset about that. He actually thinks it’s a bit of a disrespect to him that I’m not just sitting back and playing the Cinderella role. How do I get through to him on this one without hurting his feelings? –Stephanie

ANSWER:
Hey there Stephanie! Let’s say that some of us ladies are in a league of our own when it comes to wanting to pay our own way at least on some things. I’m very much like that myself and it goes beyond my feminist beliefs. Frankly, I figure if I just recently met someone a few weeks ago, I certainly don’t want to make any assumptions about what someone else can afford. I also want to keep the playing field equal and that means coming to each date with my own money which also gives me the freedom I need to walk away at any point should things not pan out without feeling like I owe someone something. Good for you for sticking with your convictions. I’ve got a great suggestion though that might be a cool compromise for both of you. Why don’t you suggest a gift swap on prom night…or if you think it will make him even more happy (hehe) why not suggest that since he wants to treat you like Cinderella he can get you a surprise gift on prom night…something HE pays for? That way you can explain to him that while you want to pay your way leading up to prom (tickets, splitting the limo etc.), you’ll be more than happy for a surprise romantic gift that will totally be his secret project. What do you think? Might he go for that? Try it and do let me know. Here’s a tidbit for future reference though: while it’s totally romantic for a guy to want to sweep us off of our feet with gifts gifts and more gifts, you should also be aware of guys who have a problem receiving gifts themselves or those who have a problem with allowing you to be independent. If a guy comes off too “traditional” in terms of wanting to pay for everything, other not so ‘romantic’ traditional traits can show up too…like wanting to tell you what to do or who your friends can be. The message here is to always keep your eyes open for anyone who really has a need to “control” situations all the time. There’s nothing romantic about that.


QUESTION:
I’m thinking of breaking up with my guy before prom. I know that totally sucks and I really should have said something before. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Can you tell me Jill if I’m totally being the meanest person in the world here? I don’t know what to do. I just know that I don’t want to go with him anymore.

ANSWER:
I’ll be honest, breaking up just before prom isn’t the sweetest treat. However, according to why you’re breaking up then you might very well have all the right in the world to go through with it! That’s my first piece of advice: evaluate why you don’t want to go with him. Did he do something wrong or is this all just about you? Frankly, if you don’t want to go because you’ve found yourself all of a sudden crushing on the football captain then can I please encourage you to put yourself in his shoes for a moment first before making any hasty decisions? Have tickets been purchased? Is this going to be a major shock or would he have had to have his head in the sand not to have seen this coming? On the flip side, if your change of heart is because of ongoing dating problems, I think you need to talk to him. Be honest and just spell it out. If things are really not going to work then it’s really not worth it to go through the motions with prom. You’re just postponing the inevitable. This is a tough position and I give you many kudos for asking for help with your decision but this ones really got to be your own. Weigh the pros and the cons. Just be sure you are happy with your decision because in the end you can’t be forced to do anything you don’t want to do–even if it might end up hurting someones feelings for a while. The truth sometimes hurts but in the long run it almost always makes for the better outcome.

QUESTION:
Jill, I’m really feeling pretty down about myself. I’m rarely ever asked out on dates and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What should I do to make myself stand out more? 
-Christie

ANSWER:
Christie,
I’m really sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I think I can relate as I’ve been in that same boat before wondering, “what’s wrong with me?” The truth is there really isn’t anything wrong with you. It took me many years to figure that out for myself so don’t worry if you don’t buy everything I’m telling you this first time around (smile). I know that’s probably not the answer you wanted but all too often when we don’t get approval from others– about our clothing choices, how we look (for instance like size/weight) or whether or not we get asked out on dates we tend to turn all of that into self doubt which causes us to want to change ourselves. I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re a great person with a lot to bring into the life of the right person. How can I even assume to know that, you might be wondering? ‘Cause I’m tapping into your inner Vervegirl! That’s why:) Christie, do you think you could share how you are feeling with your closest girlfriends? I think they too could really help you feel a lot better. Remember, good friends are there for a lot more than shopping and if they aren’t then it’s time to change them! Socializing with good friends always helps me feel good and you know what…sometimes budding dating relationships can start right from out of our friend circles. Long term, just remember others can’t make us feel better about ourselves they can only help. Sometimes we’ve just got to fake it until we make it and even though you might not be feeling the best right now, try to do something for yourself that you really love, give yourself a treat..something cool that might help give you the personal jump start you need! Best of luck, Christie. I know you can do it:)

QUESTION:
Jill, I just got asked out on a date with this really cute guy from my school. I’m not quite sure what our first date is going to look like, he’s kinda making it a surprise. I’m so nervous because I don’t really know him that well. What should I talk about? What should I wear? I don’t want to come off too much at the same time I fear I might come off too quiet. Any advice? Stacie-Ann

ANSWER:
Hi Stacie-Anne. I can totally understand your nerves but man you must be very excited as well! I say be yourself first of all. Whenever we try to put on an act, we might be good at it for a while but at some point the real you shines through so it’s best to be comfortable and confident in your own fabulous skin:) On a first date nerves are definitely high. That being said you certainly don’t have to have a check list of items to discuss. Try to keep things natural, see it as an opportunity to connect over your favourite sports, television shows, foods… the kind of light stuff that gets people talking without feeling threatened or feeling like they’re putting themselves (read: their business) too out there too fast. In terms of fashion, again let your personality and your favourite items be the judge of that. On a first date I always go for fashionably comfortable…not too over done (hmm…like painful 4 inch stilettos for a day of mall walking..lol?!?!) and definitely not the ‘just rolled out of bed look.’ Can I give you a piece of safety advice though? As a first date I always recommend you know exactly where you are going. That way you can tell your parents or at least tell a close friend, give them a number to be able to reach you at…all that good stuff. Even more so, it’s always cool to meet the person on a first date at a neutral location. I know a lot of parents like to meet the guy (or girl) before the date and often invite them to the home first. The truth is though it’s actually safer to meet in a neutral area because let’s face it in the long run, especially if things don’t ‘work out’ to put it nicely, you might not have wanted that person knowing where you live. So get your parents or your BFF to drop you off at the mall. They could do their quick intro hellos there. Best of luck and have an amazing time! Don’t forget to walk with extra quarters and your wallet too because Vervegirls are all for being Ms. Independent, right?

QUESTION:
I think my bf wants us to ‘consummate’ (hehe) the relationship on prom night. What should I do?

ANSWER:
Well before we get to your BF and his needs, I’m more interested in knowing what you’d like to do on that night. Are you ready to have sex with him or anyone else at that matter? Do you feel comfort, trust and loyalty in the relationship? Have you spoken with your BFFs or another adult (and yes this does include parents!) whose opinion you trust just to bounce the idea and your feelings about it off of them? Prom night would definitely be a very romantic choice, but I just want to make sure you’d be doing this for a lot more than simply because it’s prom night or because he’s asked. After all, prom night comes and goes really quickly and we wouldn’t want you to regret this decision the day after. I’m really glad you’ve sent in this question now because all too often these types of questions are left until it’s too late: prom night! The idea is to discuss with your partner exactly what the night is going to look like, what you BOTH want and what you BOTH do NOT want for that night. And don’t forget, even if you decided before prom that you wanted to have sex, if you change your mind or your partner does, both of you have the right to do so. Nothing is written in stone. However, if you’ve said no and you’re getting pressured on the night of or leading up to prom then he’s definitely not the one honey! Most importantly, whatever you both decide, please decide it responsibly. Be protected. While abstinence is the only 100 per cent sure bet to be safe from STIs and pregnancy, using condoms properly majorly decreases the risk. You and your BF can get more information on how to be safe at www.sexualityandu.ca (just click on the TEENS section) and I suggest you both talk to your guidance counsellors at school too!

QUESTION:
Eeek! I got asked to prom by a boy I don’t like! We’re friends, sorta (not really that close but I talk to him!) and I guess he’s mistaken my FRIENDliness for something more. I don’t want to go with him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or ruin our friendship! How do I put him down nicely?

ANSWER:
Ouch. That’s a tricky one. Honesty is still the best policy here yet I totally agree with you not wanting to ruin his self-esteem in the process:) You could try telling him a) you are still deciding whether or not you want to go or b) you’ve already got a ‘group’ you are going with and its more so about a group of friends going together than a “couples” thing. In the case of the last suggestion, if your group was at all ‘open’ to this you could potentially extend an invite to him to join the entourage so to speak. I know that’s ‘ideal’ thinking (smile) but I thought I’d just put it out there! Now you could also tread lightly being really honest with him by letting him know that you just don’t feel that you two have been friends long enough to go to the prom together. In life sometimes the truth does kind of hurt. You’re not telling him he’s a terrible person, you’re simply saying that you’d prefer to go with someone you knew longer and had more things in common with. The last thing you want to do is go with him because you feel sorry for him only to see the person you might have really wanted to go with across the dance floor with someone else! This really shouldn’t ruin your friendship with him. If you handle this with kindness and respect, he should see the truth and honour in that. He might not like it, in fact he won’t, but if he can’t handle that then he’s probably not the best person to start a new friendship with. Good luck!

QUESTION:
Hello, I really want to ask this guy at school to prom but I’m not really sure if he will be going. I’m too shy to ask him myself because we don’t know each other that well. Should I still ask him or should I let it go?  my_oasis25


ANSWER:
Hey! I can totally understand your nerves especially since you’ve mentioned that you two don’t really know each other well but not knowing someone well can also sometimes work to your advantage. It’s kind of like when you slip on ice in front of a stranger: sure you feel ’embarrassed’ if one person sees you but wouldn’t it be ten million times worse in front of a group of people you knew well? I definitely wouldn’t just let it go and not try to see if I could get to go with him. That being said you might want to consider asking a very good friend of yours to ‘give him the message’ on your behalf or you might consider slipping him a note in his locker. Now you can’t be too shy because if and when he says yes you’ve got an amazing prom to look forward to and you’re going to want to be talking… getting to know each other better leading up to it!  Talk this over with your friends too. You’re not alone and they might have some useful advice for you too:)  Best of luck and keep your eyes on the prize. You can do this!

QUESTION:

QUESTION:

Jill, what do you think about going to the prom with an ex?
 
-Christine
 
ANSWER:

Well, talk about new age! If both you and your ex have a strong friendship (after a considerable amount of time following your initial break up) and are totally clear and honest with each other about your reasons for wanting to go to the prom together then I’m all for it. I’ll tell you this though, if you all haven’t finalized things really clearly or there is still “unfinished business” or unresolved feelings then I’d prefer if you worked this out before deciding to go to the prom together. Let’s face it proms can be very romantic and the last thing you want to do is get so caught up in the moment that you end up rekindling a romance at prom only to come back to reality a couple days later realizing that you made a mistake forgetting the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Many people are able to have great relationships with their exes but just keep in mind that this happens usually when they’ve both moved on with new partners or after some time has passed. You don’t want to resort to an ex out of desperation or because you fear going alone. Should you have any doubts about your reasoning, step back and rethink it a bit. After all, going with a good friend too is always a great option for having a great time!

QUESTION:

Hi Jill! I’m dating this guy and one of my closest girlfriends thinks he’s got a skeleton or two I don’t know about. She’s got no proof but she’s really giving him the cold shoulder. I’ve asked her to try to be supportive but she’s stuck on these bad feelings about him. Now, while she’s really a good friend of mine, you’ve also gotta know that when we first met him and his friends at the club it sort of seemed as though she might have liked him too. So I wonder if that could be playing into this. Bottom line is so far so good–I certainly haven’t had any complaints. The prom is just around the corner practically and I’m hoping we can all go together but I’m not about to put up with silence or sarcasm between the two of them. What do I do, Jill?
 
-Christine
 
ANSWER:

Christine, I can imagine you must be feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side you’ve got this cool guy you’ve been dating and things are going smoothly but then you’ve got your friend who seems to be rainin’ on your parade. Since she is your friend and her opinion obviously matters, I’d advice you to hear her out one last time. Sit with her privately without any ‘sidekicks’ around and ask her to be specific about her accusations. Okay, so maybe she doesn’t have hard proof. Maybe she’s sensed something from something he’s said or comments she’s heard around (I must admit though, hearsay/gossip should always be taken with a grain of salt!). In any regard your friendship deserves open communication at the very least.
 
If you aren’t convinced with whatever it is she tells you about your guy then frankly she’s got to make a decision: that is she’s got to decide whether or not she’s going to support you and your relationship as your friend or distance herself. I know that sounds ‘harsh’ but the reality is if she’s consistently nagging and bad talking your relationship then it’s only a matter of time before it seriously takes its toll on your relationship with her! I can tell from your question that you’re also wondering if it’s possible that your friend could be jealous…maybe she feels that she was ‘overlooked’ that fateful night at the club? Can I give you some friendly advice here though? Even if that might very well be a possibility, I’d recommend you not start your one on one chat off on that foot. All that’s going to do is put her on the defensive. If you intend to ask her about that fateful night at the club or whether or not she somewhat hoped she was in your shoes, you’ve got to tread very very carefully with that one because after all she is your friend and this isn’t about hurting her feelings or embarrassing her, right? You also don’t want to try to ambush her with date hook-ups. That might only make her think that you’re trying to get her ‘out of your hair’ so to speak. Those ideas would be better left for when your relationship with her is back in order.
 
If they both sincerely care about you then they’re going to try to at least be acquaintances. Would it be so bad for both of them to have a conversation of their own to finally get things out in the air? I’m really interested in knowing as well what your boyfriend’s response to this has been. When you are dating someone it’s always a nice addition to be well respected and liked by that person’s friends but at the same time you can’t be expected to jump through imaginary, unrealistic hoops to win their friendship. As your friend she’s got to be able to work out her own snags too especially considering they remain unfounded. Regardless of whether or not this relationship works out for the long haul she also can’t be on the sidelines waiting to say, “I told you so” either. That’s not what friends are for.
 
Good luck and I really do hope that you all get to go to the prom together. The best prom nights have the biggest entourages, the longest limos and the fondest of memories! Remember they might never be “best friends” but the idea is for all of you to have a respectable common ground and hopefully the rest will fall into place!