By Maya Haidar
When I was in 8th grade a girl named Courtney Cappizzi made my life a living hell. She was from somewhere close to New York City, so she “tawked like a New Yorkah”, had a penchant for too much hair-spray and was as nasty as they get. Halfway through the year, Courtney apparently had had it with me. Although I could not tell you why, one lunch break she made an announcement for all to hear:
Puh-leese! I was such a nerd back then I really would not have known how to “sweat” a man, her man or any other man for that matter. That didn’t matter though —she had her sights on me. The frenzy before the fight was crazy. The school was abuzz with CKS (Chatty Kathy Syndrome) and somehow the details were arranged before the last bell went off at 3:30.
THE MALL…
So there we all were—at the mall, in the parking lot, like a band of flies who had found a carcass rotting in the sun. What a sight we must have been. I didn’t have a plan. I was still trying to figure out what I was doing there. Courtney attempted the first punch which, to her credit, was a tightly wound fist that pounded into my right shoulder like a cannonball. I just stood there. The hush in the crowd around us was deafening.
Again, she pulled back her fist and plunged into the air towards me. I moved this time and she fell forward and skinned her hand on the concrete.
“I’m gonna kill yous aftah skool if ya keep sweatin’ my man, s#$%!”
Apparently, Courtney was a bleeder. Damn that hand if it didn’t just spew as she slowly got up and looked at me. Half the kids scattered and the ones that couldn’t move were fixated on the amount of blood all over this poor, evil girl who had too much fight in her system to just let it go. I walked home with a quiet smirk. I hadn’t even lifted a finger.
I never heard a freakin’ word out of Ms. Cappizzi for the rest of the year. She lost all her powers of fear inducing meanness. And moi? Ah, yes, well I wasn’t more popular or more respected. I was still a geek on the honour roll, and couldn’t dress to save my life.
Good times!
What is the moral of this story? Well, maybe that violence is usually pretty senseless. I learned that the intimidating powers of a bully eventually fade when reality, or in my case luck, kick in. According to Dr. Cheryl Dellasega (The Friendship Game: Where Should I Sit at Lunch?), teens who bully experience decreased popularity as high school progresses.
However, the event was not a rite of passage by any means. It was stressful. Bullying is an assertion of power using aggression. Unfortunately, the reality of girls today is a lot meaner and chock-full of new technologies and motivations. The problem, if you are the “hater”, is that energy is wasted on the wrong target—YOU! If you suspect you are the bully, Dellasega suggests you step back and think about what’s going on in your head, and in your life, that’s causing the bad behaviour.
Both Sides of the Coin…
The rise of victimization, according to Health Canada, has been linked to alcohol and drug abuse, tobacco use, eating disorders, and mental health problems. It makes sense when you think about it. Someone who lets someone else push him or her around does not always have a lot of self-respect or self-esteem. If you, or someone you know, is being bullied psychologically or physically, then the first thing to do is stay away from bully. Then get help by telling someone you trust about the problem. Ignoring the bully begins the process of taking away his/her power. If you do not feel comfortable with speaking to someone face-to-face, the Kids Help Phone Line (1-880-668-6868) is free and available when you need them. KHP operators can help you find local counseling too. If possible, tell your parents. Parents/Guardians will do anything to protect you, and they need to be aware of the situation—should it get to the point where legal intervention is necessary.
Speaking of which…
About 1 in 10 youth have encounters with the police for violating a part of the criminal code every year. Of these young offenders, 19% are charged with a violent offence. This only applies to crimes that were reported, so the numbers could actually be higher. Boys committed most of these crimes, but there are a growing number of girls getting into trouble. Girls bully mostly through “social” aggression—exclusion, gossiping, spreading false rumors, and disclosing another person’s secrets. The factors are not clear-cut, but a combination of reasons exist*:
• Most aggressive girls have poor relationships with their mothers
• Connections with delinquent peers
• Social rejection at school
• Boredom
• Mental Illness: 90% of aggressive girls are diagnosed with “conduct disorder” and 31% have major depression
• Low self-esteem, negative body issues, and stress
* From research by National Clearinghouse of Family Violence, in association with Health Canada
Dr. Dellasega’s 6 Safety TipsFrom The Friendship Game: Where Should I Sit at Lunch?
1. Keep in mind that the bully is in the wrong, not you.
2. Try to stay calm. Take control of the situation by not appearing upset.
3. Talk to the bully if you can.
4. Ask your friends, family, or a teacher to support and advise you. Talking about the situation may allow you to come up with your own solutions. Everyone has had an experience with a bully so find out what worked for them.
5. Be prepared. Practice how you will act and what you will say the next time you meet up with your bully.
6. Act with confidence. Bullies prey on those who appear vulnerable. Walk tall and speak in a clear voice.
Where do we go from here?
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
You are not likely to be violent or aggressive if you believe in who you are. Easier said than done, but not impossible. Taking on age-appropriate social and personal responsibilities is important. It’s all in your hands so long as you hit life with your best shot, rather than that girl in Algebra.
TRUE STORY
Recently, at a baseball tournament I couldn't help but overhear a woman speaking about her daughters. I mean I really couldn't help but hear her loud, angry voice. Reacting to a fellow parent she shouted, “If your kids are gonna make my kids mad and they get hurt that's your problem! I'm not gonna tell my kids not to fight”.
This statement hit me right in the gut. How can youth learn to get along if some parents are supporting violent behaviour? One solution is to accept personal responsibility for our actions—regardless of how others behave. One way for vervegirls to get started is to take the old saying: “Treating others the way we would like to be treated” to the next level, and start treating ourselves the way we would like others to treat us.
-Sandra Livingstone
SOURCES 4 HELP
Family Violence Help Line 1.800.222.2000 (24 hrs)
Community United Against Violence 24 hour Crisis Line 1.800.542.2164
National Domestic Violence Hotline Canada 1.800.363.9010
Violence Hotline Teenline 1.800.522.Teen (8336) Help from trained persons in the field of dating violence
Youth Violence is a top-of-mind issue for91% of young girls in Canada
Youth Culture Group Access Survey 2005
